Remember last Thursday?  How happy you were when Tracy Morgan joined Twitter? Well, as Fraulein Maria said, “When God closes a door, he opens a window.”  I’m here to tell you, the reverse is true too.  Rather than explaining this tenuous metaphor, I’ll just give it to you straight: tween megastar Miley Cyrus (formerly @MileyCyrus) has quit Twitter.

Why would Miley introduce humanity to the worst suffering it has ever known?  She says wants to live a more private life.  And to PROVE that she wants to live a quieter, more introspective, Henry David Thoreau at Walden Pond-esque life, Miley created a rap video explaining her decision-making processes.  Now, this isn’t some two-bit, impromptu Miley + webcam joint.  There is editing, backup dancers and text treatments that will remind you of your middle school television station.  She means business!

Sensing the gravitas of the situation.  Miley’s superstar dad, Billy Ray (@BillyRayCyrus), stepped in to try to tweet some sense into his daughter. (Take note, Nobel committee!):

“Miley. You are a light in a world of darkness. You were born ‘Destiny Hope Cyrus’ for a reason. You can’t leave everyone now. We r countin on u.”

Unfortunately, because of the 140-character limit, he was unable to incorporate the words “achy breaky” into his tweet.  Currently, no domestic or international government agencies have issued any statements of warning or instruction.  Until they do, we here at  FWD Thinking recommend that you stay calm. This is probably just a stunt and she’ll be back in three weeks, y’all.

- Andrew